visit.

On Saturday I went to the cemetery. The roads were coated thick with slush and ice, and when I stepped outside my car, I realized I made a poor choice in shoes. It doesn’t feel like Christmas this year. Not that I am Scrooge-esque or anything, because there is garland, hot-cocoa and plenty of Bing Crosby – - just a lack of the people I love, just a realization that life cannot stay the same. One day you wake up and are older, and the people around you are older, too.

fidelity.

I heart Regina Spektor.  And this is still my favorite song that she sings.  The video makes me smile.  And I just – - relate.   Ever had a song/video like that?

let her eat cake.

This is more a ramble than anything.  I think if there was an award for rambling, I would have a shelf lined with trophies, pendants, and ribbons – - shiny ones that make people ogle and blush.

Not that it takes much to make me blush.  I am a redhead, fair-skinned.  The slightest jolt to my embarrassment makes my face flush as red as a ripe apple.  Freckles do little to hide it since, at twenty-six, most have disappeared.  Except on my arms, that is.  If you play connect the dots with the freckles on my arms, you’d get a mess even Picasso would find strange (well, if he were alive, anyway).

I guess that is what I am, anyway.  Strange.  I never have fit into a box.  People are always trying to shove me inside of one, but I prefer the outside, where I can stretch my arms and thoughts and imagination.  I am a woman with a bank account, a job, responsibilities, and bad hair days.  But just as much I am a girl with hopes and dreams and ambitions and red high heels.  I like hard work and studying, but adore make believe and peanut butter sandwiches with my niece.  I enjoy deep philosophical discussions just as much as I enjoy witty, light-hearted banter.  When I get my cake I want to eat it, too.

I am not sure what I am saying…which I guess is the point of a ramble.

one day.

Nikki and I went shopping last night, and I was reminded how much I loathe the mall. Can you believe, once upon a time, I actually worked there? Those were dark and gloomy days, my friend. Dark and gloomy, indeed.

Actually, they really were.

It amazes me how different my life is compared to then.

So much of it is a blur, still. So much of it buried in the back of my mind.

“I know it’s a part of the story,” I told Mom. “Everything that happened – - I have to eventually face. I know I have to write it, that the story isn’t complete…can’t be complete until I do.”

But I step away, unsure – - not ready, not quite, to face that girl.

Every now and again I try. I sit, pen and paper at my disposal, ready to carefully piece together the events that led up to white walls and yellow paint. I dare myself to do it, to write about that girl – - the one hiding behind the best damned mask she could summon, ‘til she was so stretched and worn that she just…stopped.

I succeed with bits and pieces, but there are some things that aren’t ready to be told. Some things that wish to stay quiet for a little bit longer. Some things that will me to put down the pen, rip up the paper, and take a deep breath.

office quotes.

Over the years, I have a collected a tiny book of various quotes/conversations in the work place. I thought I would share with you some (because, quite frankly, I am boring and have nothing else to say).

QUOTES

“I’m naturally inept. This is okay. Because I’ll grow up to be a single cat lady, only without cats.”

“Kudos to you! Thanks for not making me bleed out the ears.”

“What are you? The human Ken doll?”

“See this raised eyebrow? It’s directed toward you.”

“You were a runway model?! Okay. C’mon. Show me a little Zoolander.”

“You look great today. Did you finally come across a brush and makeup?”

“Do you want someone to break their kneecaps? I know people who know people who have people.”

“I speak American!”

“Kyle, you have feelings?”

“I started out as a child.”

CONVERSATIONS

M: I stapled my finger!
J: OMG! Can you get it out?
M: I STAPLED MY FINGER!

Jz: How do I ask a customer if they’re stupid?
M: What?
Jz: It’s not like I can ask if they ride the big bus or the little bus.
M: o.O

M: Pluto is no longer a planet. I heard it on the news this morning.
J: What…!
M: True story.
J: Why…why did you tell me this? I mean. I was happy not knowing.
M: Was Pluto your favorite planet?
J: And favorite Disney character.

D: If you’re happy and you know it cl…
M: Sing it one more time. I dare you.

G: HEY! Come see. You’re getting a ticket.
A: WHAT?
G: Yeah. You overparked your broom.

S: You don’t think I’m good looking?
M: I didn’t say that.
S: I put aside money for a good looking fund each month.
M: A what?
S: G.F.L.
M: …

C: She had her fifth colonoscopy.
M: That sucks.
C: Yeah, but this time she didn’t have to drink that nasty stuff. Instead she had to consume forty pills in, get this, two hours.
T: Poor girl! I don’t know what would be worse?
M: I say the liquid. That stuff is rancid. Trust me, I know.
T: What does it do exactly?
M: Err..it’s a laxative.
T: Oh, so it cleans you out?
C: Yeah, but not just cleans. This stuff is mega powerful. It polishes, too.